Overcome Insecurities As Steps to Authentic Relationships
“It's important to be exactly who you want to be, not who you think you have to be."
Experiencing Love Ep 135
Hello, and welcome to Experiencing Love. I'm your host, Philip Joks, and I'm so glad that you're here. Today, I was having a conversation with a friend about dating and attracting the right people into our lives. In this conversation, a lot of things popped into my mind that I thought were worth talking about here. It's not just for the concept of dating; it's also just for relationships in general—friendships, family. And it has to do with fears and insecurities.
I realized that in relationships, it really is important to be who you are. That's no secret. It almost feels like a trope that's been talked about too many times already. I think the reason it gets talked about so much is because there are still so many people who don't do it. It's important to be exactly who you want to be, not who you think you have to be.
Because by being yourself, you're qualifying the people around you as to whether or not they should be in your life. By being yourself, it's almost like interviewing someone without actually interviewing them. If you are authentically who you are, the qualified people will naturally gravitate towards you, and the people who aren't right for you will naturally go the other way. And something like that could be difficult to experience because sometimes the people who are right for us aren't currently within our reach, and the people we want to be right for us just aren't right for us.
Sometimes we want someone in our lives, and it takes the experience of actually spending time with them to see that they're not meant to be in our lives for a long time. Maybe they're meant to teach us a lesson. Maybe they're meant to introduce us to someone else. But either way, they're not right, and that's okay. I've always loved the idea that if something doesn't work out, there's always something else to try, someone else to experience.
So it's important to be who you are. And we wondered what gets in the way of that. And that's usually insecurities. I think most people have some level of insecurity nowadays. It seems like a superpower if someone is not insecure; they feel confident in who they are. When you meet someone like that, you just want to be around them more.
Insecurities are just another name for fears—fears of not being who we really are, fears of not embracing where we're at, and the fears we do not face become our limits. Therefore, the insecurities we don't overcome become our limits. And I think we have those insecurities and those fears for a reason. What may seem like a limit now can become our stepping stones. Limits aren't walls; they're just really tall steps. And what we have to do as people is grow into the person that's big enough to use our limits as a step. The bigger we are, the higher we can climb is how I love to look at it.
And I also noticed that insecurity breeds insecurity. Insecurity can be like a plague, like a disease. You'll find that if you spend a lot of time around people who are insecure, you will find a way to feel insecure. And you'll also notice that if you're ever feeling insecure about something, some nagging feeling, some reoccurring thought that you always have, you'll find that you attract people in your life who have similar insecurities.
I realize that one of the insecurities I have right now is about money. I acknowledge that. I acknowledge I'm not where I'm at, and how that affects my life is not ideal. I also know that I really have to be aware of that insecurity and not let it take control of my life because it's just going to create more of that in my life. I will surround myself with people who have the same insecurity.
I often find that having these conversations are partly for the other person and partly me talking to myself. I was thinking about insecurities and how insecurities are just stepping stones that are too big for the time being for me to climb. And I said this one thing that I hope you can incorporate for yourself, which is, if you ever wonder what your next step should be, just look at your insecurities. As long as you have that fear, it's a step you haven't climbed. And it's also the next step for you.
The life that you're looking for, the friendships and relationships that you want to have and create, could be at that next level, past that next step. And when I say step, I'm literally thinking of a staircase. Stepping up that next flight of stairs could be everything that you're looking for and more. It won't be the end of the line, but, as far as the life that you imagined, it's right there. It's right behind these limits that we've placed on ourselves, that we've allowed to take root and take control for far too long.
One of the fears and insecurities we discussed specifically was around this insecurity to share our successes with the world. On one hand, it's easy to talk about the struggles that we've overcome in the past. It's a little bit more challenging to talk about the struggles we're currently going through now. When I really thought about it, I became really grateful for this podcast because it's a place for me to talk about the struggles that I'm currently going through, not just the ones that I've already gone through.
You know, I go back and forth, yet this is a space that I allow myself to be honest. I allow myself to be who I am. Sometimes that means I'm tired. Sometimes that means I'm excited. Sometimes I'm emotional, and sometimes I'm stoic. And so I wonder why I sometimes feel insecure to talk about success. I think that answer could be different for many people. Some don't want to brag, and they don't want to put this image out there that they believe they're better.
For me, I think it often has to do with a fear of losing it, a fear that if I talk about it and embrace it too much, it might be gone soon. And so rather than having to later share that my success is gone, I just keep it all within. I don't celebrate as much as I want to. I've also had it that I don't share certain success in my life because it's either not tangible or I don't believe anybody else will believe it to be a success. So I celebrate it by myself. But I know deep down what I truly desire is to laugh and smile and cheer with other people, even over things that I think may change my image in their mind or the image of myself in their mind.
Insecurity can be a tough thing. I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to just overcome. It's not easy, but it's also not complicated. The solution is often challenging, but simple. We know exactly what we need to do. It's our fears. Whatever we're most uncomfortable talking about, thinking about, sharing with other people about, that's exactly where we need to focus our attention.
I wrote down on a piece of paper a question that I want to ask every once in a while to get a topic for this episode or these episodes. And it's the question, "What am I uncomfortable to talk about and do?" and then just talk about it. I'm sure I'll be able to hear it in my voice in the future. When I really talk about something that's uncomfortable, I stutter a bunch more. My thoughts are very foggy. It's like my brain is finding whatever way it can to avoid the conversation. When I feel that way, I know I'm on the right track because it starts with talking about it.
When you see a fear in your life, I don't expect you to immediately jump at it and overcome it. If you can, please do, it'll only be worth it. And there have been many fears in my life that I've been able to do just that. And I also acknowledge there are some that are a little bit more daunting. And you should still take steps to overcome it. And those steps could be baby steps. One small one at a time. Talking about it is a big step. After you talk about it, plan out your game plan of what's the smallest way that you can experience that discomfort. Do that again and again, each time making it slightly bigger than the last. Because eventually, it'll go from being a fear to being something you're comfortable doing.
When I first started this show, I was incredibly uncomfortable. I could hear it in my voice when I re-listened to those first episodes. Now, I'm 135 episodes in. And honestly, there are days where I feel like I should be a little bit more uncomfortable about this because I feel a little bit too loose, a little too comfortable. Now, I'm not all that serious about that. But there's truth in that. Just by doing the thing, it'll become easier, I promise. Just give yourself that chance. Give yourself the chance to at least try. Don't hide away, don't guard yourself. I promise you it's worth it on the other side.
So take that stepping stone. You know exactly what you have to do. And it may just take a small 2 millimeter shift to get everything you want and more. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day, a calming rest of your night. Remember to always fill up with love. And I look forward to seeing you in the next one. I love you.
Craving more heartfelt insights like these? Dive into the full experience by listening to the original podcast episode on "Experiencing Love" with Philip Joks. Discover how embracing your insecurities can transform your life and relationships. Tune in for a deeper exploration and let Philip guide you through turning your fears into stepping stones. 🎧 This Episode On Spotify
