Confronting Insecurities: A Quest for Personal Growth through Love

By Philip Joks

“Courage comes from love. Bravery comes from love. Passion comes from love.” Experiencing Love Ep 128

Hello and welcome to Experiencing Love. I'm your host, Philip Joks, and I'm so glad that you're here. Honestly, I almost didn't record this episode fully by accident. I was about to get into bed and do my reading when I realized that I hadn't even recorded today. The reason being, I've dramatically changed my wake-up and night routine. Because of that, today I'm going to sleep many, many hours earlier than I have been for the past few weeks. And that change of pace has been enough to interrupt my pattern and nearly made me forget. And that reminds me more about what I wanted to talk about today. It's the idea of interrupting patterns. Interrupting patterns and doing something you don't normally do or think in a way you don't normally think.

I got really frustrated with myself earlier today while I was at the gym. I want to be more honest, not just here, but with myself. I have trouble being honest with other people when it comes to my insecurities. I share bits and pieces, but never the full story. And I think I don't share the full story because I find it difficult for myself to admit the full story. Most of my insecurities nowadays come from social anxiety, we'll call it. Honestly, I already want to take it back. Not because I don't want to say it, but because the language I use is important and I'm already making it seem lighter than it feels to me. So, I take back the social anxiety part and I just want to say that I'm afraid. I get afraid when it comes to introducing myself to new people. I've mentioned bits and pieces of this before and I think it's something that I need to keep returning to. To break my own pattern, to do something different.

I've always believed in my abilities to hold a conversation and enjoy the person in front of me. Yet, there's always been this massive block in just starting the conversation. There's often this little voice inside of me that's screaming, hoping that someone else starts the conversation. And I'm honestly over it. I'm over these insecurities of not wanting to introduce myself to someone because the emotional reasons below it, while they do hold a place in my reality, they don't serve the same purpose they once did. God, even just starting to talk about this, I can hear myself already fluffing it up, making it sound different than it really is. In parts better, in parts worse. And I find that fascinating. I could barely be honest here. I could barely be honest with myself. I'm going to give myself permission to just speak freely. And if I cut out any bits and pieces, that's okay. I'm going to speak, giving myself permission that if I need to cut out some part of this, I will.

So, I'm going to speak about what happened today and then a little bit more of the details as to what's going on in my mind this whole time. I went to the gym today and upon parking my car, I see a girl in front of me that is objectively gorgeous. I was immediately stunned. And there's the voice inside of me that wants to go talk to her. There's something that drew me to her and wanted her to be in my life. I see that as the voice of my lover. The part of me that's emotional, that's sensual, the part that's all about feeling. It craves connection. And I heard that voice. She entered the gym directly in front of me and then goes off to the side while I end up going to the locker room. And then I get out of the locker room, do my warm-up, and I start my workout.

At some point, she joins the general vicinity that I'm in to continue her workout. Yet, I don't do anything to speak with her. And now that there's this situation, there's a discussion going back and forth in my head. It's between this lover and some other voice. And this other voice is afraid. It has fears of maybe embarrassment, rejection. It's this lack of confidence. And it's going back and forth with the lover, saying that it doesn't know how to start the conversation. It's pretty much just a list of excuses. Because it's not just that. It also goes on to say that it doesn't want to interrupt her and her workout. There's that part of me that doesn't want to interrupt someone's workout at the gym, especially not a pretty girl, because I don't want to be labeled as a creep. And the thing about that is, it's just a label. And more often than not, it's me giving myself that label. No one has ever called me that, but I guess it comes from seeing the videos online of people getting called that from the situations of a guy approaching the girl at the gym. There are all these fears of these labels.

I had my little notebook with me, my wandering journal, I call it. And I started just writing because I have these thoughts pretty often and I rarely document them. I found the need to document them because I need this to stop. I need this pattern to stop. At some point throughout this long discussion in my head, I remember this line that I would always tell myself. And I think it's been a line that has kept me in fear. I always told myself that God will put the right person in my path. I used to say that for many people. But if I'm going to be honest, I always said it for attractive girls and the girl that I'll one day want to date and marry. So, if I'm going to translate what it says, I pretty much was saying that my quote-unquote perfect person hasn't been introduced to me yet. And the thing is, I'll never know if that's true or not. But I posed a what if? What if God has been putting the right girls in my path all along? So long as I'm able to embody the man I'm supposed to be, potential girlfriends have been everywhere. If I just got courageous and sparked a conversation, I know I'm not the only one that has shared that belief that God will put the right person in my path. And I do believe it holds some truth to it. But me and a lot of other people may have been looking at it wrong subconsciously by saying that, I almost believe that someone is just going to fall into my lap. Someone's going to come up to me and start the conversation and we're going to hit it off and it's going to be great. And then we're going to exchange phone numbers and go on dates and everything's going to be perfect because God finally decided to put us on each other's paths.

And I realized this. If I think this way, what are the odds that someone else thinks this way? What are the odds that there are girls out there that also feel this level of intimidation and they're just waiting for someone to start the conversation and then they leave an environment, a situation, and they go home and wonder, why didn't that person come and talk to me? If I could think that way, why can't someone else? And that's the thing. They can and they probably do. And so, someone needs to make the move first. Someone needs to step up and be a leader. Leaders go first. And I haven't been leading. I've been scared and I've been following. I realize that these insecurities are just dead weight now. It's just baggage. And it's baggage that I carry around day in and day out and just holds me back. And honestly, I think they're really childish. Because in order to believe in an insecurity, you have to give up your personal power. No one in this world can take your power. You have to willingly give it up. Sometimes you may think that you don't have a choice and you have to give it up. And I'm not trying to belittle anyone or their circumstances, and I'm not saying that some people don't have it rough, but I know for 100% certain that everybody has more power than they believe, than they even realize. Everybody has more power than they realize. And all that power that people think they don't have is them willingly giving it up to someone else. They may be giving it up to a job, to a spouse, or even worse, to strangers. Strangers who have very little impact on your life. And yet you give them all this power to decide how you feel and what you're going to think and how you're going to act.

Children haven't fully grown into their power. When you're just a child, you don't have all that much power. You are dependent on the people around you. And the more you grow up, the more independent you become, the more power you begin to take back. I guess, in a logical standpoint, yes, children can have all of their power much sooner if they chose to take it back sooner. By that, I mean there are many instances of kids becoming more mature due to their circumstances. Maybe they have a rough childhood and they have to grow up faster than other kids around them. Those kids take their power and they take it back faster and they hold on to it harder. Yet, very rarely does a person really take back all of their power. They usually let some people have a say in their life. Maybe it's a parent, maybe it's a best friend. Maybe it's a boss. It could even be an unsupportive spouse or kids. Holding on to your power is a muscle. It's a skill that has to be practiced and cultivated. And it isn't something that's just one and done. You have to work at it.

So earlier, when I said that these insecurities feel childish, it's because these insecurities are all based on other people, strangers that I give up my power to. And I give up my power for what? By giving up my power, I stay small. I stay small like a child. And I'm at a point in my life that I not only want, but I need to grow up. I need to grow into the man that I'm meant to become. Fear is real, yes. I'm not saying that everybody needs to have no fears. What I am saying is that you need to have courage. And despite whatever your fear may be, you need to have the courage to do it anyways. To do the thing, to take action. I don't know who needs to hear this. Maybe it's nobody. Nobody but me. I couldn't help but just freeze. I froze. I stared for a sec and just made that mental comment that she's just completely and utterly gorgeous. While I was writing down little notes in my notebook, I wrote down this one specific thing where it says, for my plan for when I notice an insecurity. I would say to myself, when am I going to grow up, be a man, and release my childish insecurities? And I look back on that line and I realize that the way I'm speaking to myself even now is a push motivator. It's a push motivator because it's coming from a place of fear. That's why it's never worked before. Fear doesn't work. Fear is a temporary motivator. And when it runs out, you either completely stop or you have to find something that's even scarier. And the more you use fear as a motivator, the more afraid you are all the time. Because to use fear as a motivator, you're not working through the fear. You're running away from it. Whatever actions you take using this mindset, you may accomplish your goals. You may. Yet, you'll find that on the other end, it doesn't feel the way you expected it to feel. It doesn't feel that way. Because it's not the fear itself that needs overcoming. It's you, yourself that needs to become something more. A fear doesn't point to a specific action. It's a cry out from deep within you, begging you to grow. One of our six human needs is growth. I believe growth communicates to us through our fears. Because the fears we do not face become our limits. I used to say that all the time. I would say it to myself every morning, that the fears I do not face become my limits. So, I need to learn how to make this a pull motivator, something that pulls me forward. And to do that, the goal has to be love. The intention has to be love.

I want to be thrilled in the process of pushing my comfort zone. I want to be proud of myself for speaking to someone and putting myself out there. Rather than getting a specific result, or should I say rather than a specific outcome of a conversation, I want to be proud that I just started one. I wrote down here, It makes me really sad when I let myself down. My lover is screaming to make friends and spread love, and when I don't, he gets very depressed. That's the languaging I use for myself. And everything that I've shared with you so far is very raw and very real. I focus so much on my language and the words I use that admitting all of this feels almost embarrassing. It feels slightly embarrassing that it's still something I'm working through. It's really easy to talk about our challenges that we've already overcome in the past. It's a lot more challenging to talk about the obstacles and the opportunities right in front of us that we haven't yet overcome. I think that's why I get choked up talking about it. There's a part of me that wishes and almost believes that I should be further. I almost get disappointed that I'm not. I don't even want to say almost. I do get disappointed that I'm not, even though I know I shouldn't be. That disappointment does nothing for me other than continue to hold me back, keep me down. What's important is to acknowledge these moments and actually do something different next time. I may or may not ever see this person again. And if I don't, it's truly a shame, because that type of beauty brings happiness to my soul. I just want more for myself than I already have. Not in that way of I'm not appreciative of where I'm at now. I just know that there's more out there and there's nothing holding me back but myself.

I have other insecurities about the money I make and this business that I'm starting, this business that I'm continuing. Because there are many days and weeks and even months on end where I don't have money coming in. Instead, I'm doing odd jobs and doing things like DoorDashing just so I could pay the bills. One thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to give up. I'm going to find out what I'm meant to do, what path I'm meant to follow, what direction I'm meant to go in. There's a niche out there for me. Maybe I just haven't figured it out just yet. Maybe I haven't quite figured out my platform or my medium. I haven't quite figured out what's the problem that I'm solving and how do I want to deliver it. And because of that, my business isn't further. I could sit here and be insecure about it all day. Or I could do something about it. I could do something different, take action, push myself. I get insecure about talking to girls because of this money situation. Because I have this belief that I'm meant to provide as a man. I'm meant to provide and protect because I know that when I'm really in my masculine, I would put my body, I'd put my life on the line to protect my family and the people that I love. Because when I'm truly acting out of love, there is no place for fear.

Out of everything that happened today, I think that's the main takeaway I want to have. If I'm acting out of love, there is no room for fear. Courage comes from love. Bravery comes from love. Passion comes from love. Excitement comes from love. Joy comes from love. I forgot love today and instead I was afraid. I was afraid. And the pattern I had kept going back to fear instead of breaking that pattern and choosing love. I need to keep talking about this and I need to keep writing about it. Because I also know that for me, that's how I usually get so fed up that I do something different. I get tired of having the same conversation and I finally decide that it's not worth it. I'm hoping this is the threshold because I'm committing to it now, to a life of love, and asking myself the question, how can I experience even more of God's love right now? How can you experience even more love right now? What are you afraid of? And how can you embrace love in that situation? Because when you love, there is no room for fear. Yeah, I'll leave this all in. Because it's not about what's said. It's about saying something in the first place. And you know what? I need to take my own example. And I just need to be honest. Share the beauty with the world. Share the love with the world. One word, one voice at a time.

Thank you so much for listening and thank you so much for being here. This was a little bit of a longer episode and I felt as though I really needed to get it off my chest. We're not there yet. We haven't won just yet, but we're getting there. We're not trying to be perfect because perfect gets in the way of greatness. And you know what? Maybe all we need is a 2-millimeter shift to change the entire course of our life. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful rest of your day. Remember to always fill up with love. And I look forward to seeing you in the next one. I love you.

Eager to unravel more layers of personal growth and breakthrough insecurities? Dive into the heart of this raw and honest journey by tuning into the full episode of "Experiencing Love" with Philip Joks. Discover more insights and moments of vulnerability that could spark your own path to courageously embracing love over fear. Listen to the full episode for a deeper connection and more revelations. This Episode On Spotify

Photo by Michael Heise on Unsplash